I’ve discovered something in the last three days.
No matter how bad someone may be for you, no matter how much they hurt you and no matter how much shit they have put you through, if you love them, you love them. There is absolutely nothing that you can do about that.
People always say that you can’t help who you love. Unfortunately, that is true. If I had a choice as to who I would love, it would not be Wayne Lorenzo Michaelangelo Gonzalez. The selfish, narcissistic, genius who is all logic and no emotion. The boy who is terrible at communicating and sucks at commitment. The boy who has the hardest time in the world opening up to people. The boy who has been the main source of most of my problems for the past year and a half. But you know what? Regardless of what this kid does to me, I love him. There’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve tried it all and none of it works.
I realize now that there has to be a reason why I cannot get over him no matter what I do. There has to be a reason why we keep coming back to each other. And most of all, there HAS to be a reason why I feel deep down in my heart of hearts that I will never ever feel as strongly for someone else as I do for him. We were meant to be together. It’s just insanely bad timing.
People always ask me what it is that I like about him so much since everyone else sees him as the Devil’s spawn. I never know how to answer them, so I just say, “you don’t know him like I do.” And to me, that explains it all. Since I met him, I have though about nothing else. When I’m with him or near him, nothing else even comes to play at all. I fall asleep better and faster with my head on his chest and my arm around his stomach than I would have had I been sleeping on the world’s most comfortable beds and pillows ever made. When he kisses me, I melt into oblivion. No one I have ever touched or kissed has ever even come close. And I don’t think anyone ever will.
He does make me smile, he does make me laugh. He keeps me interested and he intrigues me. The best part of it all is that I know that he loves me and cares about me. Albeit how he might act and what he might say, I see him. I know him. I can read him like an open book. And on his good days, he has admitted to me that I am the only one who has ever had this effect on him.
Wayne hates being vulnerable above all things and I am the only person that he has ever cried in front of besides his mother and sister. I am the only person he has ever cried over. I am the only person that can get to him and make him be the person that he knows he has the potential to be. How do you expect me to let go of that?
Point being- the person that is The One for you could, on paper, be totally wrong for you. But in the long run, what happens happens. And everything happens for a reason. Despite everything that I have gone through with Wayne, I think that one day in the future when he has grown up a lot and realized the error of his ways and I have learned how to deal with things, we will find each other and everything will be as it should be.
But for now all I can do is endure the pain until I leave for college and keep him at arm’s length. I have to protect myself so that I am strong for the future.
